[TFB:003] Something is Missing....

There's something missing.

No, it's not my iPod. I know exactly where it is. It's dead.
It's not my phone. I found it (thanks Port Authority)
It's something that has been gone for like... 7-8 years.

My Confidence.

Where does confidence go and why doesn't it come back? I do things just for the fuck of it and hope whatever I do doesn't backfire in the end. I don't do things because it's going to be the best thing I've ever done or it will help me in the long run.

Ever since I started the Crematory, I just thought this would be an experiment. If people found it, great, if not, whatever. Now, I see that you guys actually like what we do around here and it gives me a boost that I needed to stick this thing out and see how popular it really gets. That's what keeps me going with the Crematory and I love every fucking minute of it. I have confidence that this mother fucker will just keep growing exponentially when you do your part by listening and using the site.

The whole lack of confidence thing hits me hardest when it comes to school, work and relationships. Why do I bother wasting my time with this stupid job? Why do I bother to keep going to class? Why do I associate with the people that I associate with? What will I gain when it comes to these three things?

Now, keep in mind, this is neither an emo post or an attack post towards anyone. I'm greatful for the people I call my friends, and my family (both natural and Crematory-born). But the shit that I'm dealing with right now is basically asking this question.

Why do I bother?

I mean yeah, most of the shit I do will help me progress in life later on down the road. But what is this shit doing for me now? And if it is worthwhile, how do i not screw it up?

Dammit, that's why I'm questioning myself in a negative way. I should start asking myself, "How do I keep this working for me in a positive way?"

To me, the Crematory is an escape. It makes me feel like I'm, you know, important. You, the fans, and the DJs do that every day. It gives me the swagger that I need to press on and watch the Crematory grow. And if the Crematory becomes the best thing to happen to this town since... well, the steelers won a super bowl recently, right?... Yeah, let's go with that... Then I'll definately look back and say, "wow. I started this."




Now, I just need to find a way to transfer these feelings towards real life.





And for that... I may need some help.